What if I wrote from a place of not having come to the other side? What if I wrote from a heart position that hadn't discovered the answer just yet?
As I have been wrestling the past two months with my writing and the purpose of my words-- this suddenly has come to my mind. Instead of being the person that has "figured" it out...
What if I was the person just honest enough to share the walking through it?
Here I am.... blogging into the vast array of Christian blogs and resources circling the internet.
Yet, this time I'm being honest enough to say that I'm going to start writing and creating not from a place of answers but a place filled with the goodness of his mercy and grace.
Here I am, not having come out on the other side. Yet, here I am, knowing he is still so good in the midst of it all and that the battle is won despite the insecurity and fearfulness. I'm insecure. I still don't have some of the answers from God that I've been praying for. I'm fearful. After all, I don't want people to think that I'm a "poser" because I still have these struggles.
I struggle with family dynamics, I struggle with painful memories of that ex and questioning the why, I struggle with lust, I struggle with overthinking and obsessing about the future and that I will be amount to nothing...
I still struggle-- and that is hard. How could I ever write or create something that could bring light when I still gave family relationships that break my heart? How could I be a role model for young girls growing up in the church when I still sometimes have moments in my day that remind me of my failed attempts of "love?"
I know God wants to redeem a lot for me, that's a definite from his love. I've been asking for a long while now but I think that he's teaching me that instead of wanting to "overcome" it first, I just need to be truthful enough and walk with him.
Maybe the yearning that I have to bring his love and glory to his name through anything I do or create comes from me just being honest.
Why not? I think that there is so much grace and beauty in not being on the other side of something and still having to be fighting through it. God is teaching me that there is a marvelous and miraculous truth to just letting him do the heavy lifting and to just keep creating from a place of love.
Right here, I'm just going to write as I fight... not as I overcome and as I "figure" it out first. I'm going to write while being in the flames because I know he's standing beside me in them, too.
I love you, friends.
Hang on tight, he has you.
Don't worry, I'm having to, too.