I never thought I'd write one of these again.
If you're reading this then you truly have stuck with me through some different seasons of life. Welcome-- to my blog, again. Some of you, if not all of those who are reading, are probably wondering why I'm blogging again. Don't worry-- we are in the same boat. I have also been asking myself why I should blog again, too.
Truthfully, I'm not in the most exciting season of my life.
Even more candidly it is a desert season... one of wilderness.
Just like everyone else in 2020, things in my life have not gone the way I expected them to. From a new relationship, losing friendships, moving back home unexpectedly due to a global pandemic, a breakup, four summer classes, a writing course, first college apartment, etc., it has been a year full of wild turns-- some leading me to cry out on my knees to God, and some that have had me dancing and singing until my throat is begging me to stop. Currently, I'm taking nineteen credit hours this semester and looking to possibly graduating early and getting my Masters--- crazy, I know. I'm mentoring and leading sophomore girls at a church here in Lexington, I'm still in my sorority, and I'm partnering with a local Christian ministry that disciples and champions girls in the Greek system at UK. It's not that these things are boring-- I am so incredibly grateful for these opportunities.
Now, this is the part where you're wondering how I'm gonna tie this story together of the major revelation as to why I'm blogging again.
I don't have an answer. I don't have the perfect prose poem with a watercolor background explaining my purpose for blogging and my purpose in life. I cried on the phone to my mom today-- LOOK, for me to open up and share about how I'm struggling/ to cry is humbling and not something I like to do.
She said to me "Grace, I remember being at your age and feeling the exact same way."
Thanks, Cheryl, that's the encouragement that motivates every lost twenty-something.
However, it wasn't those words that struck me and reminded me of truths. It was these: "Grace, baby, you're kinda in a desert season of your life. One where you're just kind of waiting. It's that waiting that sets people apart. Some people don't have the fortitude to be strong in the wait-- you do. I believe you have the fortitude, Grace."
Waiting.
I think we all glamorize the "waiting" periods of our lives and don't sit and wrestle in the quiet and lonely of the waiting. Whether you're waiting for the job opportunity, that dream email, the pay raise, the acceptance letter, the girl to call you back, or for the guy who you've prayed for... WAITING. HURTS.
TRUSTING. GOD. HURTS.
For me, trusting God with my life the past five months has meant letting go, getting rid of, deleting, and not picking up the phone to call. For me, its meant me having to walk so closely with God because I need his direction for what he is calling me into and what to do for this life of mine and the next season. Its meant having the self-control to know and have the words my heart and flesh so desperately yearn to say -- but knowing that it isn't my time. It isn't my time to be the author or the heavy-handed editor in need of control because I lack trust. I just have to know that I have words, dreams, desires, longings, and ideas-- but it isn't the time. I have to trust that this God of mine is one that takes care of his children and will bring good and blessings upon his kids. So-- even if doors in my life haven't opened up or others have been slammed in my face, I choose to trust on and dance here in the middle of the waiting.
All of that melodrama to say: I don't want to put myself out there. I am tired of rejection. I am tired of feeling like a joke or a second choice. However, I have to trust God with any gifts he's given me and to use them. Maybe it'll be my third cousin who reads this or a girl in my sorority who I've said three words to; but if it brings any beacon of hope and light... then, I put my pride away and just type on. Not for me-- but for anyone who's been in the middle.
Perhaps these words will be for me. Maybe, they'll just serve as a reminder to hope in the dead of winter, to remember who I belong to, and how faithful my Jesus has been.
So------- why?
WHO KNOWS?
I'm trying to be obedient and learn to let go of the steering wheel-- it's my job to hit the gas. Sweet friends, this is a space for the messy, the imperfect, the hungry, the weary, the strong, the refugee, the housewife, and any person who finds themself in this journey of faith in following Jesus Christ. I want an authentic space for anyone to ask, doubt, yell, praise, etc., about their life and process of being refined and beautifully molded by our Maker.
So......... welcome, again.
I have no idea... and I'm learning that is okay. I don't have to-- and that is okay. God loves me and I can trust that, right here, right now, even in September of 2020.
Let's learn to dance here in the wilderness, even when it hurts.
With blessings, joy, laughter with a snort, a heart in healing and progress, impatience that is being turned into gratitude, and a cup of coffee brewed here in Lexington,
- Grace.
